​I feel like a fraud.

​I've often warned of the dangers of social media, since most people use it as a "highlight reel," only posting their happy, shiny moments and never the unfortunate moments that are a part of real life, particularly #realmomlife. This can make the rest of us, who are scrolling through our Facebook feeds sitting behind a locked bathroom door late night whilst downing a glass of wine and shoveling chocolate soy ice cream into our mouths trying to embrace the only "me time" we have gotten in weeks, feel inadequate and like failures.

​And yet, if you look at my Facebook page recently, you might think my life is all rainbows, roses and unicorns. I, too, have fallen into the "highlight reel" trap, and it's time to come clean.

Like so many of you, I'm struggling right now to keep the many balls I have in the air from crashing down all over me.

I'm struggling to break free from what seems like an endless to-do list and find just a few moments to take a deep breath and have some fun.

I'm struggling to figure out who I am and who I want to be after having Beautiful Baby Ava (BBA) last June. After spending nearly 43 years focused on academic, professional and athletic achievement, I find myself in a place where I never thought I would be - madly in love with my little girl and wanting to experience life alongside her every day. I want to make her homemade meals and kiss her boo-boos when she bumps her head. I want to be there to witness all of her developmental milestones and see her smiling face every morning when she awakens.

You see, my life right now - like many of yours, I suspect - is a whirlwind of tasks, with little, if any, downtime. It's Groundhog Day, and that day looks like this:

Get up at o'dark-thirty to pump before I workout, so I can get in a training session before BBA wakes up. I'm exhausted, because BBA still wakes up 2-4 times a night to feed, which I hoped to end with Cry It Out, but her pediatrician told us that would be "mean," because BBA is feeding at night because she is too distracted to feed much during the day, so she is really hungry, which means my over-a-year-long stretch of not getting a full night's sleep is still going strong.

Rush to get in my newly-invented Daily 15 (15-minute, intense workout) and maybe have time to grab an Almond Milk Chai Tea Latte from Peet's on my way home, which is basically the only thing I do for myself during the day (and yet I feel guilty for spending $5.67 every day on a sugary tea drink...). Walk Bailey the Pup, feed BBA and put her breakfast together, maybe have time to shower (or maybe not), throw in a load of what seems to be a never-ending pile of laundry (how can a baby possibly produce so much laundry?), grab a quick bite for myself and start working.

My new workspace is in our garage, next to my gym equipment, since my prior home office space (our dining room table) is near where BBA spends her time playing with The Au Pair (and my prior gym is now BBA's nursery). If there is a less inspiring environment in which to work or workout than a garage that is actually used to store a car and tools and bikes and baby strollers, etc., I'm not sure what it is.

When I get breaks from work, I feed BBA (I know "breast is best," but I am looking forward to weaning her when she turns one in exactly 2 months and 3 weeks - but who's counting?), fold laundry, do other random housework, put BBA's lunch together and go back to my dark cove to resume work.

After I finish working, I rush (see the trend here) to get dinner made for the family and BBA before The Au Pair is off duty, since cooking dinner with an active, crawling 9-month old is a nightmare. Once dinner is made, I'm on BBA duty, and we play or go for a walk and often FaceTime a family member until it's time to eat.

I get dinner on the table for The Man, the Au Pair and me, and try to shovel my food in quickly while feeding BBA her meal (usually my meal is cold by the time I get to it). I clean up after dinner (The Man helps if BBA is too tired to stay up), and then I start BBA's bedtime routine, which includes a bath every other night, a long feeding (sometimes 45 minutes), and some soothing music (more for me than for her, I suspect).

By the time BBA is down for the night (or rather, for the next 2-3 hours), I am exhausted, and while I have aspirations of staying up to watch a movie with The Man or do some reading, I generally retreat to the bedroom and go to bed, knowing that in a few hours, I'll be up again to feed the little miss.
​
Rinse and repeat.

I suspect many of you understand how I feel, particularly if you are a new mom or dad (or an old mom or dad, or a busy executive, or really just about anyone these days), but I find it strange and unfortunate that so few people talk about their challenges. For a while, I thought I was "the only one" who was having difficulty keeping up with it all, but as I began to express my struggles with several close friends, they started opening up about their own difficulties, which is why I decided to write this post.

You see, having BBA is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And it is also the most challenging. Raising a child is monumentally difficult, especially if you are Type A+ and have high standards, and while it is easy for others to give the advice that my standards and expectations will have to "change" (i.e., lower), it is much harder to take that advice and run with it without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and failure - and quite honestly, without going against the core of who I am. And figuring out who I am and what I want to do "when I grow up" now that "Mama" has been added to the very top of my bio is something that is stressing me out more than I could have ever imagined.

Hello, friends! It is hard to believe that Beautiful Baby A (BBA) is now old enough to be referred to in months rather than weeks since she officially turned 4 months old on October 6th! It has been amazing to observe her growth and development over the past 16 weeks. Since I provided my last BBA update 6 1/2 weeks ago, she has reached a number of milestones, including: (1) sleeping through the night consistently, but then (2) experiencing the dreaded "4-Month Sleep Regression" (going from waking once at 4 or 5 a.m. to waking 3 times throughout the night); (3) going on her first beach vacation (and laughing at the waves while we dipped her feet in the water); (4) and on her first boat ride; (5) getting her first savings account (with a whopping .01% interest); (6) drooling nonstop; (7) grabbing at everything, especially my hair (she has a grip that suggests she sneaks out at night to get in a few sets of heavy kettlebell farmer's carries); (8) discovering her love for dance (when I start dancing, she kicks and bounces and flails her arms around with a big smile on her face, laughing and trying to imitate my moves); and (9) finding her "voice," which is a high-pitched squeal that will not necessarily win her a spot on The Voice​.

As for mama, I have weathered the past two months quite well, since BBA has spent most of it sleeping consistently and napping regularly. I am continuing to train for my Russian Kettlebell Challenge (RKC) certification to become a kettlebell instructor, which means I get up super early 4 days a week (before baby rises) to train in my garage gym, and then I work with my amazing trainer Andre at Fitness on the Run one additional day each week to help perfect my form in the major kettlebell exercises, most particularly the clean, which is currently my nemesis. Perhaps it is the training, or the breastfeeding, or the fact that I often miss meals because I am so busy (like missing dinner last night and breakfast this morning), or maybe it is because I am not spending my days sitting at a "desk job," but I now weigh over 8 pounds less than I did before I became pregnant, and instead of having to invest in bigger clothing post-pregnancy, I actually have to buy a pair of smaller jeans for the fall since my old pairs literally fall down when I wear them. 

The biggest struggle I have had over the past 4 months since having BBA is overcoming the tremendous sense of guilt that accompanies new motherhood. As someone of Irish descent who was raised Catholic, I am intimately familiar with guilt - it's basically in my DNA - but being a mom takes it to an entirely new and unprecedented level. I am constantly wondering whether what I am doing will screw up BBA forever. And when I try to comfort myself by thinking that there is probably not much I can do that can really screw her up forever, I remember stories about Adolf Hitler, whose atrocities later in life experts blame on his troubled childhood. If I let BBA "cry it out" at night, will she resent me, no longer trust anyone, not develop a sense of self-confidence, and ultimately eff up the entire world? 

You see the rabbit hole new mamas are prone to go down. 

(And by the way, right at this very moment, BBA is screaming uncontrollably in her crib, after I put her down to sleep about an hour ago. I have gone in twice to comfort her and am asking myself how long I should let her cries continue before I go in again?)

Every single day I wonder if what I am doing is enough to help BBA develop and achieve the milestones all of the baby books talk about and whether the activities I am doing with her are the right ones. I constantly question whether:
(1) Spending nearly every waking moment with BBA during my 6 1/2 months of maternity leave will negatively impact her ability to grow into a strong, independent woman? or
(2) Letting BBA play alone on her play mat in the kitchen while I am making dinner will negatively impact her social development? or
(3) Giving BBA only a few minutes of tummy time will negatively impact her physical development? or 
(4) Forcing BBA to do tummy time every day, even though she despises it and it makes her cry, will negatively impact her emotional development? or
​(5) Will allowing BBA to "watch" the Today Show in the morning with me negatively impact her brain development? or
(6) Etc., etc., etc.

And so it goes...

Ultimately, what I am realizing as a new mama is that guilt is toxic. Guilt masks the fact that most of us are doing the best we can with what we have at any given moment. It does not allow us to appreciate our "wins," and instead causes us to focus on the "what-we-could-have-done-better-had-we-knowns." Guilt does not allow you to bask in the beauty of the now or dream about the possibilities of the future, instead causing you to dwell on the past with uncertainty and regret. 

​Guilt kills the joy in life.

When you are about to have a baby and nervous about motherhood, you often get the advice from other moms just to "trust your motherly instincts" and "do what feels right to you." And I think this is the key to mothering and basically the key to living a life filled with joy and happiness and with limited guilt. One of the biggest lessons I have learned as a new mom is that you should throw away just about every single baby book anyone has given you, because I am convinced that they are written by people who have never spent any real time with a real baby. They make you stressed out and cause you to feel guilty about your inadequacies and failures. Instead, talk to real-life moms who have experienced real-life mom issues, and you'll get real-life tips and tricks that are far more valuable and practical. And then trust your motherly instincts and do what feels right to you.

Whether you are making parenting decisions or decisions about work or finances or relationships or what to eat for dinner, don't compare yourself to the Jones'. Don't spend hours, days or even weeks questioning decisions you've already made and can't change. Don't allow the information you have today to cause you to look back with regret on choices you made when you didn't know what you know now. Instead, do your research, arm yourself with the information you need to make decisions today and in the future, and then go with your gut. 

And if you need a reminder of the awesome humility of your own humanity, repeat the following mantra to yourself:

"I am doing the best I can with what I have at this very moment."

And you are doing the best you can with what you have, mama.  

Until next time, by happy and healthy,
​Kathleen