I feel like a fraud.
I've often warned of the dangers of social media, since most people use it as a "highlight reel," only posting their happy, shiny moments and never the unfortunate moments that are a part of real life, particularly #realmomlife. This can make the rest of us, who are scrolling through our Facebook feeds sitting behind a locked bathroom door late night whilst downing a glass of wine and shoveling chocolate soy ice cream into our mouths trying to embrace the only "me time" we have gotten in weeks, feel inadequate and like failures.
And yet, if you look at my Facebook page recently, you might think my life is all rainbows, roses and unicorns. I, too, have fallen into the "highlight reel" trap, and it's time to come clean.
Like so many of you, I'm struggling right now to keep the many balls I have in the air from crashing down all over me.
I'm struggling to break free from what seems like an endless to-do list and find just a few moments to take a deep breath and have some fun.
I'm struggling to figure out who I am and who I want to be after having Beautiful Baby Ava (BBA) last June. After spending nearly 43 years focused on academic, professional and athletic achievement, I find myself in a place where I never thought I would be - madly in love with my little girl and wanting to experience life alongside her every day. I want to make her homemade meals and kiss her boo-boos when she bumps her head. I want to be there to witness all of her developmental milestones and see her smiling face every morning when she awakens.
At the same time, I long to find the time to use my talents and intellect for something truly meaningful - like helping others become healthier, happier versions of themselves - and I desperately miss certain aspects of my old life. Like catching a movie or a TV show every now and then. Or taking a bubble bath. Or going out on a random Tuesday night with friends. Or reading a book or a magazine. Or having time to dry my hair and put on makeup. Or wearing something other than leggings or sweatpants. Or doing nothing.
You see, my life right now - like many of yours, I suspect - is a whirlwind of tasks, with little, if any, downtime. It's Groundhog Day, and that day looks like this:
Get up at o'dark-thirty to pump before I workout, so I can get in a training session before BBA wakes up. I'm exhausted, because BBA still wakes up 2-4 times a night to feed, which I hoped to end with Cry It Out, but her pediatrician told us that would be "mean," because BBA is feeding at night because she is too distracted to feed much during the day, so she is really hungry, which means my over-a-year-long stretch of not getting a full night's sleep is still going strong.
Rush to get in my newly-invented Daily 15 (15-minute, intense workout) and maybe have time to grab an Almond Milk Chai Tea Latte from Peet's on my way home, which is basically the only thing I do for myself during the day (and yet I feel guilty for spending $5.67 every day on a sugary tea drink...). Walk Bailey the Pup, feed BBA and put her breakfast together, maybe have time to shower (or maybe not), throw in a load of what seems to be a never-ending pile of laundry (how can a baby possibly produce so much laundry?), grab a quick bite for myself and start working.
My new workspace is in our garage, next to my gym equipment, since my prior home office space (our dining room table) is near where BBA spends her time playing with The Au Pair (and my prior gym is now BBA's nursery). If there is a less inspiring environment in which to work or workout than a garage that is actually used to store a car and tools and bikes and baby strollers, etc., I'm not sure what it is.
When I get breaks from work, I feed BBA (I know "breast is best," but I am looking forward to weaning her when she turns one in exactly 2 months and 3 weeks - but who's counting?), fold laundry, do other random housework, put BBA's lunch together and go back to my dark cove to resume work.
After I finish working, I rush (see the trend here) to get dinner made for the family and BBA before The Au Pair is off duty, since cooking dinner with an active, crawling 9-month old is a nightmare. Once dinner is made, I'm on BBA duty, and we play or go for a walk and often FaceTime a family member until it's time to eat.
I get dinner on the table for The Man, the Au Pair and me, and try to shovel my food in quickly while feeding BBA her meal (usually my meal is cold by the time I get to it). I clean up after dinner (The Man helps if BBA is too tired to stay up), and then I start BBA's bedtime routine, which includes a bath every other night, a long feeding (sometimes 45 minutes), and some soothing music (more for me than for her, I suspect).
By the time BBA is down for the night (or rather, for the next 2-3 hours), I am exhausted, and while I have aspirations of staying up to watch a movie with The Man or do some reading, I generally retreat to the bedroom and go to bed, knowing that in a few hours, I'll be up again to feed the little miss.
Rinse and repeat.
It's a real struggle to juggle a full-time job; manage a household; start up a health and wellness business; keep up with a blog (big fail - my last post was January 2nd, people!); maintain my own kettlebell skills; spend quality time with The Man (who is also incredibly busy running a small business); care for my mom, who was diagnosed with breast cancer this winter, just had surgery and now has to undergo radiation and chemo treatments; and take care of our 17-month old puppy.
I suspect many of you understand how I feel, particularly if you are a new mom or dad (or an old mom or dad, or a busy executive, or really just about anyone these days), but I find it strange and unfortunate that so few people talk about their challenges. For a while, I thought I was "the only one" who was having difficulty keeping up with it all, but as I began to express my struggles with several close friends, they started opening up about their own difficulties, which is why I decided to write this post.
You see, having BBA is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And it is also the most challenging. Raising a child is monumentally difficult, especially if you are Type A+ and have high standards, and while it is easy for others to give the advice that my standards and expectations will have to "change" (i.e., lower), it is much harder to take that advice and run with it without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and failure - and quite honestly, without going against the core of who I am. And figuring out who I am and what I want to do "when I grow up" now that "Mama" has been added to the very top of my bio is something that is stressing me out more than I could have ever imagined.
While I don't have any answers or words of wisdom to share on this topic right now (perhaps some of you do?), to those of you who feel like you can't do it all or be it all. To those of you struggling to keep up. To those of you who are truly grateful for what you have but who also long for aspects of a previous life, I want you to know that despite what you see on your Facebook feed and Instagram, it is OK to feel this way. You are not a bad person for both loving and hating your life right now. And you are not alone.
Hello, friends! I’m Kathleen, the Kettlebell Mama. Welcome to bells & peppers – a blog dedicated to all things related to fitness, nutrition and healthy living. As an athlete, trainer, nutritionist, cooking instructor, attorney, senior executive and new mom, I have learned how to balance my personal health and fitness goals with paying the bills, spending quality time with family and friends and pursuing a demanding career – without losing my mind! My goal is to inspire, empower and provide you with simple strategies to help you become your healthiest self in a balanced, realistic and sustainable way. Feel free to read more about my story here. Thanks for visiting bells & peppers!